Thread for Jokes

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 Jokes
Watcher
11:14am, August 08, 2006
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SOUTHERN HUMOR
>
>
> One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket
counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a
ticket while the three southerners bought just one.
>
> "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from
the South. All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down,
but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the
door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to
collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket,
please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a
ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw
this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever
they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money.That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a
single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their
astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
> "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed
Yankee.
> "Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison. When
they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a
toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down
the way.
> Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left
their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were
hiding. The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees ever
won the war.
 What men mean
Watcher
3:56am, August 13, 2006
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http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_316.htm
 Great excuses.
Khayvin
1:05pm, August 13, 2006
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http://madtbone.tripod.com/
 funny videos
Watcher
10:39am, August 15, 2006
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Watch the one about the talking cat, is way to funny.

http://comedy.aol.com/viralvideos?startPanel=top11&startNum=2

Might take some digging to find, but seems worth it.
 bumper stickers
Watcher
10:06am, August 17, 2006
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If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The following bumper sticker was Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)

If You Can Read This,
Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND Lastly:(my favorite)
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS
BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
 Female Parrots
Watcher
10:15am, August 17, 2006
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A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
 medical calamity
Wathcer
1:24pm, January 26, 2007
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> A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one
Sunday
> morning. She took the microphone from one of the church ushers
hands and
> bared her soul to the intrigued congregation:
>
> "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim,
has
> suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran
off
the
> highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have
died,
> but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
>
> The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were
> obviously uneasy and squirmed in their seats. She continued, "Jim has
been
> in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble
breathing.
He
> has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in
so
> much pain, and he has missed work because of it.
>
> "He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the
personal
love
> that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have
intimate
> relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love
life
has
> all but slipped away into oblivion.
>
> I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and
pray
> for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as
new."
>
> A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of
this
> unusual accident sunk in and the men in the congregation were visibly
shaken
> up with the thought that, "There,but for the grace of God, go I."
>
> Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst
of
the
> congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain,
adjusted
> the microphone to his liking, then said to the congregation:
>
> "I'm Jim and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.
>
>
> The word is: STERNUM
 UCLA STUDY
Watcher
1:34pm, March 08, 2007
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UCLA STUDY A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected
 Zodiac Lightbulb Jokes
Watcher
11:44am, August 28, 2007
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Zodiac Lightbulb Jokes
You might just recognize yourselves here. I know I did :)

How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; Only one, but it takes a **** of a lot of lightbulbs.

How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; What, me move????

How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; Two :)

How many Cancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; One to remove the old bulb, one to clean the socket, one to dust the new bulb, one to install the new bulb, and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; Libras can't decide if the lightbulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; We like the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; The light is fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; Have you asked the lightbulb if it WANTS to change?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer; Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
 Owed Two A Spell Chequer
Watcher
10:32pm, September 24, 2007
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Owed Two A Spell Chequer:

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
 Nurse
Watcher
2:55pm, July 08, 2008
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'
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