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Thread for Harvesters attack! Again! And again and again...
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Hydration Radio
7:34pm, July 28, 2025
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[Delete] | *A crackle of static and then a familiar chiming sing-song tone and stylized chevron twirls in place.*
Hydration Ray-Deeee-Ooooooooh!
That's right, everybody! It's me: Howlin' Mad Mon-Caster, and we are once again broadcasting your first, favorite, and only source for all the gossip and news that's important to all you Route-Rats! Arf-arf-ARROOOOO!!
Coming at you live from one of the many abandoned communication towers out in the middle of nowhere, Dune Sea, we here at Hydration Radio live to keep you soaked in the latest news and rumors! From the nastiest news out of the Mos Eisley underworld to the galactic-political-landscape and beyond, we here at Hydro-Radio are here to keep you upppp-DATED!
'Course, things have been kind of quiet, lately. Whole 'verse seems to be falling apart--hell, even our equipment is breaking down. Then again, it just might be the old Trag commlines pushed past their sell-by date. Or maybe this is Imperial tech--or an old GWAM base? I have no idea where we are and the jawas had gotten to before ol Howlin' Mad Moncaster could even get to it. So if this language suddenly starts to switch to Trandoshan hisses or Wookiee screeches, just know you are still listening to Hydration Radio!
The biggest news-- the Noaktshan system has been placed under siege by the Harvesters! That's right, another year, and another Hive has emerged from the Unknown Regions to seek another world to drain of resources. Why they pick some worlds to hollow out and move on while others they park on there for decades draining the oceans and vacuuming up the atmosphere I couldn't tell you, but it looks like the Noaktshan system is their latest target!
However, they weren't alone. It looks like for a little dot in the Tatooine night sky, this particular world was in the crosshairs of a few interested parties-- including the Imperial Remnant known as the Stellar Authority in a joint action with Moff Colovar Meixell's "Dovahkiin Fleet." Between the two of them, it looked like for a minute there they were able to force the Harvesters to flee back through their little wormhole with their tentacles between their legs, but here at Hydration Radio we never cheer on any First Order fascists! Alas, it didn't last long, and the Harvesters won the day after all.
According to our sources, the Authority ended up losing the bulk of their fleet, including the death of Captain Iyva Caendak of the Penumbral Spear as well as their very leader, the Director-General Pentabulon Wekk. That said, listen to your buddy Moncaster here--the Spear scooted out with it's bridge and ass on fire. Caendak's definitely toast, but if Wekk isn't cooling his heels on some Imperial resort-world somewhere I'll eat my hat. Keep an eye out for that one. There's still rumors of Stellar Authority forces crawling across our deserts, popping up every time one of those odd doorways appears and craps out a monster, so I think we have a ways to go before we're rid of these guys.
Nobody knows quite what happened over Noaktshan, but it sure looks like it was a hell of a battle. Smuggler friends of the program have noted that the planet isn't quite abandoned just yet, and there were rumors of some ancient relics underneath those blue skies, but who wants to try and grab for them now? It'll be wiped out soon enough.
Okay, okay... One last word on the Imps--Meixell's Dovahkiin fleet? Rumor is it's being run in the shadows by some scary warlord known only as the Dragon-Born. Or Dragon-Baby? You know what--doesn't matter. He's taking their fleet out of the Arkanis Sector and back to the Mid-Rim and have settled near the Sourshine Nebula. Why there? Who knows, but we've had sightings of this warlord across the galaxy over the last cycle, including at the dramatically botched royal wedding of the King of Yogara. The Sourshine Nebula does include the Ring of Zallafin--which is right within striking distance of Yogara. If I were King Edgart or Queen Ayla, I'd be keeping an eye out for probe droids.
Dragonborn, huh. So good listeners, do you think that means this warlord's father fucked a Krayt? ARF ARF ARROOOO!!!! I know a Hutt who'd pay good credits to see that!
Speaking of the Hutts, word on the street is that our local perfectly-legitimate businessman Torgo the Hutt is looking to put together a perfectly-legitimate mercenary operation to help bolster his profits and compete with Strategic Military Services. And wouldn't I be just shocked, SHOCKED SHOCKED SHOCKED! if this new merc outfit did some spice running on the side? The real fun part is that we're hearing the Hutt wants to position it directly in SMS's wheelhouse--and that means more big stompy giant robots on our little desert wasteland.
Remember when all we had to deal with was the occasional Sandpeople raid? Well...now you don't need to, because everything old is new again! It looks like something in the deserts have gotten the Tusken Raiders all worked up, because we're getting reports that dozens of different tribes have been migrating all over the Jundland Wastes and the Dune Sea, attacking smaller outposts and villages. Nobody knows why just yet, but remember when I mentioned earlier that we're still getting rumors are big scary beasts falling out of the sky? Wink wink.
Well, that's it for today. We're going to pack up these transmission coils before the Womprats chew through 'em. If you don't hear from us again, remember- - stay thirsty, my friends!
*The transmission abruptly cuts out, and All My Circuits resumes just where it left off.*
Edited 7:41pm, July 28, 2025 by Hydration Radio, author. |
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