Biography: "Hey kids. It's me! Uncle Toxie! Listen ya'll let's get down to the skinny. You want to know about me, or else you wouldn't be here. I'm a lean mean wrecking ball, and all the ladies love me, but who is this man Toxic? Well I'll tell ya'. My story is actually pretty simple, for a while at least. Get ready to have a good ol' long boring sit down for this one. If you want, go ahead and grab some snacks, I don't mind. Just bring enough for the rest of the class...
...
You back? Good. So from what I understand, I was born in space. No, in a ship, not actually IN space... idiot. My parents were jerks. They didn't want me. I mean how could you not want me? Look at me! I'm as lovable as a bunch of baby ewoks shoved up a bigger baby ewok's ass. So where was I? Oh yeah, evil parents. So they sold me into slavery. As a young child, I worked in the outer rim for some guy's shipyard. To be fair, he was a pretty damn good master. That guy was like my dad or something. He gave me decent food, hip clothes, a place to rest my head, and if I did a good job he would teach me how to fly the ships and how to repair them. Things were going great, I was actually starting to become a pretty damn good pilot too. Then the idiot up and croaked when I was about a teenager. So what happens next? Well his idiot son takes over the operation. This guy was like his dad's polar opposite. He pretty much replaced the food, clothes, shelter, and pilot lessons with beating me. So eventually I got sick of it. I may not have been the most skilled fighter at the time, but I've always been pretty strong. One day I beat the living hell out of the guy and stole a ship, getting the hell out of there.

So I end up on some other backwater planet and decide to take up a life of crime. It started pretty small. Could you believe that at one time, I was actually a lousy pickpocket? I know. Shocking. Anyways, I went from pickpocket to thief, from thief to drug runner, from drug runner to smuggler, and from smuggler to mercenary. It was a small outfit at first, but some of the older guys in the biz decided that I was worthy of a little training. They taught me how to fire guns, sneak around, and beat people up better. As I started to get better, I really started to get a name for myself in the illegal community. That's when a motley group of guys called The Children of Vega decided that I was worth having around for a few jobs. I mean these guys were the best of the best. If you were with them, you knew you were good. They trained me some more, working to make me one of the best guys around in hand to hand combat, not to mention I was getting paid tons to work for them. Well, needless to say, training got cut a little bit short, and I mean cut.

We got hired on some job to take some Jedi on some recon mission. It seemed easy enough. So we drag this guy out into space, when the next thing I know, my buddies spring up and try to kill me and this Jedi kid. Well the Jedi and I fought back, but the poor force using sap didn't make it. They got him. If you haven't got the drift yet, he was dead. I tried my best to fight them off with the dead guy's lightsaber, but things were getting tough. They managed to screw up my eye, and cut off my right arm, but I pressed on and managed to get into an escape pod. I ended up smack dab in the middle of Coruscant. So I spent the rest of the money I had left on important stuff. I got a new eye, a new arm, a swoop bike, some booze, a carton of cigarras, and a couple of hookers. So one day a couple of weeks later, I walk into this local cantina I haven't hit yet, and I swear that I'm not there more than 5 minutes when this force user decides to try to kill me just for saying "Hi" to the guy. I end up fighting for my life... AGAIN, and this time it worked out pretty well for me. I ended up killing they guy, stomping his head right in, it was a mess.

Well the antics apparently got some attention, and this big ugly Hutt of a holonet producer got a hold of me after I tried to sleep with the star of his top rated show. He gave me a show of my own that followed me and a rag tag crew around space, shootin' down bad guys and saving the day and the like. After a while, I found out that my old buddies The Children of Vega were working for the sith when they took my arm. So I decided it was time to hunt some of these sith down so I could get my old arm back. So I got a Mando and some old Jedi to help me out. The Mando gave me some gear I could use, and the Jedi taught me all about the funny little tricks that the Jedi do. I fused all the help together and made a bunch of gear that helped combat force powers. So I went around, causing problems for the sith, making friends with the Jedi, making TONS of money, and being an all around celebrity. Then things started to really suck.

The sith sort of started to be able to find me before I could get to them, AND my ratings were starting to slip. My producer, did I mention how ugly he is?, decided to pull the plug. He called me into his office and said he was going to fire me. I told him where he could stick his ratings if you know what I mean. Next thing I know a bunch of goons are hauling me off into space, and I got frozen in a block of carbonite!

Fast forward 15,000 years and I'm apparently being auctioned off on Bespin as a work of art. Some rich bird named Jenny Dirano ends up wasting like one million credits on me and she took me home with her. Lucky me huh? Too bad she's married, to a jerk I might add. Well that's where I am now. I told you it was going to be long. You got any of those snacks left? Hopefully some of that party mix stuff. I love the little crispities.

Oh ho ho suckers! You thought I was done, well I got a few updates for you to chew on, so take the gum outta' your ears and listen up ya' young good for nothin's. So yeah, remember that broad I was talking about about a paragraph ago? Well I mean I thought I'd just check, ya' know, because you're stupid. Well, things got a little hairy after I finally put the screws to her if you catch my drift. Turns out her family didn't take too kindly to it, so to keep it brief, let's just say this: I was enslaved, got a bomb shoved inside of my chest, got all of my limbs cut off, and had to do some stuff that I'm not even proud of. Eventually I got away from all that, and found out I was one of the wealthiest men in the galaxy due to my accounts from 15,000 years ago still existing somehow. At least I thought that. Nope, can't be that easy right? The New Republic, if you can even call it that decided to screw your old boy here. They took all my money and made it out to be that I gave it to them willingly. Well apparently there's this empire thing that doesn't like the Republic very much, and apparently they don't like me very much now. Can you believe that? Me? A politcal patsy? I know right? It's insane. Well it landed me a huge fat bounty on my head. So I decided to lay low for a while. A long while. I spent a lot of time with the Jedi. I like these new kids. They aren't as crazy as the old bats from my time. Anyways, I came back after all my hiding, ready to take on any new problem that might decide that I look delicious enough to bother, and trust me, I am quite delicious. I'll make you listen to me if anything else comes up. Peace losers."

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