Hydration Radio
11:20pm, March 14, 2024
[Edit]
[Delete] | *A crackle of static and then a familiar chiming sing-song tone and stylized chevron twirls in place.*
Hydration Ray-Deeee-Ooooooooh!
That's right, everybody! It's me: Howlin' Mad Noncestar, and we are once again broadcasting your first, favorite, and only source for all the gossip and news that's important to all you Route-Rats! Arf-arf-ARROOOOO!!!!
First up at the top of the hour- -the Federation News Services finally made an official statement about the Jade Falcons and the highly illegal invasion and occupation of the Arkanis Regency worlds: Watch it here!
Leave it to Starfleet to give a scolding platitude and hide behind the Prime Directive, again! "Banned by the Khitomer Accords," huh? So is every planet devestating machine that the Empire or First Order plopped out of their cram-holes but why don't you go ask Hosnian Prime how well those Accords held up, huh? They should be saddling up and flying in to blow these Falcons out of the sky! Wasn't ol' Admiral Zon's fleet once called "The Falcon Fleet?" I say we should have a damn bird-fight! ARROOO!!!!!!!!
Of course the other bodies in the Unity Alliance havn't given a bantha's squat about the Regency worlds, either. And why should they? Imp-sympathizers, all of 'em--right?! Listen folks, I hate the Imps as much as you, and if these stompy frellniks were limiting themselves to just shooting First Order officers out of a laser cannon, I'd just make a bowl of popcorn and cheer them on! But the robot lady is tossing space stations onto farmers. She Has Got To Go!!! Screw all of the politics and kill her ass!!!
And what was that at the end about the arachnids? Dank Ferrik, we can't catch a break!
Speaking of breaks, though, I'm going to go on mine. Before I do, though, here's our gossip correspondent Jimmy Jazz with our ongoing spectacle--I mean, News Programme--The Red Light Cantina! I meean...Tales of the Undercity!
--
*Skkrrt STATIC! And the chevron changes.*
Jimmy Jazz, here, with Tales of the Undercity! Here to give you all the dirt that gathers on the ground of the Hive of Scum and Villainy.
I'll keep things quick--there's dealings afoot at Torgo's palace. It seems he's sold off some of the mountain ranges opposite of Mos Eisley to some foreign noble--a real weirdo, too, with plans to build his own castle! Could this be "Skyhook Bartheus" revived, or just another Hutt spice den?
Speaking of the Hutts, my comrades, let's rewind the clock a few cycles here. Remember before Torgo took ahold of the spice--that's melange now, not glitterstim--back from his rival, Berry the Hutt? Remember the blood on the streets and the constant warfare? Well, just because Torgo's back on top doesn't mean he's sittle idle on his throne. Longtime listeners will remember that there was yet another noble house of the Laansraad, House Ordos, which also arrived and claimed ownership of the spice. No? You forgot! Oh, that's okay--because my sources tell me pretty much everybody did. But not Torgo. Torgo never forgets, and he's looking to clip that dangling thread any day now...
Now, for the gossip corner! Rumors have it that the attack on the Helix Corporation the other week was no stick-up as we previously reported, but was instead a rescue mission--because they had held a Starfleet doc against her will! Even my little birdies can't get me all the details, but I'd watch your step if I were you.
My next little rumor is more of a riddle. When is a Princess not a Princess? When is a King not a King? We should probably ask the royals of Yogara, who seem to adopt strange pirates as their leadership at the drop of a hat. My birdies tell me that this new heir of King Mordoryan isn't just some foundling...
My last little rumor concerns my co-anchor's favorite topic and mine, Imperial warlords. It's no secret that we at Radio Hydration aren't big fans of stormtroopers and sith, and remember all those weird sightings last year of stormtroopers marching around, hunting down those with 'special abilities'--if you believe in such a thing, of course. Well, is it just me or have there been a lot of probe droids in the skies lately? Food for thought, comrades. Food for thought.
*THe static bilps again and the original chevron returns.*
I'm sorry to interrupt you buddy, but I have:
Breaking news, breaking news! The normally isolationist city-state of Bestine, formerly the holdout of the Trags and now just a boring waste of space, has been surrounded by a freak snowstorm! We're talking ten feet of snow throughout the city, and I mean hey, it's up north, but not THAT far up! I think that you, me, and half the planet ought to take a drive up there and set our moisture-vaporators to "Free cash money!"
Well that's all we here at Hydration Radio have for now. As always, from the wastelands to the wilds--stay thirsty, my friends! Arf-arf-AROOOO!!
Edited 11:23pm, March 14, 2024 by Hydration Radio, author. |
