Gimmick Quote
2:34am, December 20, 2008
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[Delete] | Greetings, lads, ladies, and erstwhile listeners! Welcome to another night of the Galactic Investigation for Journalistic Integrity! I'm your ever-present and omni-awesome host, Gimmick Quote!
On Tonight's installment: The Outer Rim! We'll be taking callers in just a little while, but first, I just want to bring those of you who are new to the program up to speed.
First off, Tatooine The Battleground! *SWOOSH ZWOOP BA DOOOOSH, ZAP ZAP ZIM!*
That's right Mini-Gimmicks, if you've been following along at home at ALL in the last YEAR, you'll notice that one planet seems to continuously pop up in the news- -Tatooine! That's right, this one-forgotten dustball has been the site of a thousand battles ever since the war against Edge Koenig's New Imperium ended just about a year ago.
And what a year it has been!
Most importantly, we've seen a number of tragedies throughout the last few months. Ace Kaelton's madness and the war of independance for the Outer Rim Republic, which has gradually grown into a long, stalemate of a war for the fledgeling democracy's very SURVIVAL- -and for the last time Loyal Listeners, Ace Kaelton is DEAD. Dead dead DEAD dead, he's not some evil robotic cyberghost that's controlling the remains of the DC. Somebody's pulling the strings, believe-you-me, somebody more powerful!
And I'm betting it has something to do with the Children of the Nile. And the Yeerks. There's SOMETHING going on there, loyal listeners. I can smell it! The entire Nile economy is falling to pieces just a few months after the Yeerks make their star-debut at the Peace conference? Something seems off, boys and girls.
But back to Tatooine- -guess who just occupied the whole damn system for the last month? If you guessed the HUTTS, stop living before the Battle of Endor and get with the times. It was the Peacekeepers and their whole psycho-bounty-hunter-army-for-hire jackboots that stomped that planet into ground chuck THIS week. Though the ORR and Trag colonies weren't touched- -and yes, if it hasn't been painfully obvious yet, you're either ignorant or just plain thick- -Bestine, the so-called capitol of the planet, is a Tragolite colony. I havn't visited there myself, but word is they have enough fortifications to blast that Kukai Station right out of the sky- -and who can blame them? The Kukai Foundation was built from the ashes of the Harkonnens, who've addicted half the galaxy to their damn spice!
But let me tell you, folks, the Hutts are NOT happy about not getting their cut! With the Trags declaring Bestine no longer legally part of the planet- -personally I'm waiting for them to rip the thing from the ground and let it fllllyyy above the rest of the population--and the Kukai Foundation spreading love, cheer, and puppies, the Hutts have sent a war fleet to destroy the planet!
That's right, you heard it here first, folks. The Hutts want Tatooine back. The Route of the Ages, as the kids call it, that wonderful little anomoly there is bringing in boucoup ducats, and boy do they want IN!
Here's where the weird comes in, folks. A few months back we had a special on this mysterious black starship with a skull for a flag, that was ramping around the Outer Rim, blasting despots, raiding Hutt shipments, freeing slaves and doing other feats of derring-do.
Well, looks like we finally got a name. Because this mysterious ship took out most of the entire Hutt fleet that they were sending towards Tatooine! And as a result, the Hutts have put out a whopping 10 million credit bounty on...Haweke Karbn?
Are we honestly supposed to believe this dren? Haweke Karbn's dead! Died taking out a Death Star, sure, the Republic just named a new type of Star Destroyer or something after him- -and now this dead guy's got ten mil on his head? Good luck collecting THAT! You'll need a seance and a dustbuster to pull this off.
Speaking of the wiggly-biggly, rumor has it that the mysterious Angela, who appeared in the skies over Tatooine to announce her ownership of the planet before her Peacekeeper rent-a-army moved in, was actually a young woman possessed by some ridiculous evil force! Well, I don't have to tell you listeners how dumb this sounds, but hey, it's not the weirdest thing that's happened. There are even rumors that this young would-be-queen has some type of relationship with the Kukai Foundation! More on that as it devlops- -here at GIJI, we are dedicated to finding out the REAL idenity of Angela the Witch, and making sure she is tried!
Why a trial? Well, because according to Federation Ambassador Zon Huntreas, that's what the Outer Rim needs more of-- laws! According to the Captain, due to the Peacekeeper blockade, Starfleet wants to establish a more permenant presence near the Route of the Ages. I'm not too sure about this arrangement myself, and while the Ambassador was quoted to say something along the lines of helping to promote peace without harming free trade, lets face it- -he just wants something there to protect Federation interests! And I for one think it's high time Federation interests started to do our work for us, am I right? They don't seem to ask much in return, they aren't out to conquer the planet or establish a colony- -why not, I say? Something's fishy here.
But we've been focusing on the dustball too much, lets talk about these mysterious 'black spider' ships that have been reported. ...Yeah, reported by a few lunatics out in the boonies! No, listen, let me explain this as clear as I can- -you did NOT see a ship in hyperspace. There's no such thing, no big scary monsters, just you getting a case of space dementia from the whole thing! There's a reason that ship's windows can tint.
So a public service announcement- -when traveling through hyperspace, don't stare out the window too much. And if you do happen to stare out into the void and go stark raving buggo, do NOT call my show to ramble about the scary shadow-clown-warship-ewok-gateway-truckers that you've seen. I don't care. Maybe if somebody brought proof, sure, I might, but other than that...
Speaking of proof, we HAVE heard stories of ships coming and going from the Uncharted realms to Geonosis and back. Who knows what's going on there- -Geonosis was known as a major stronghold back during the Clone War, but that was generations ago- -might the Geonosins be planning a comeback? GIJI already has a man on the scene. More on that on tomorrow's broadcast.
And one last thing- -what the frell is wrong with these Kilrathi? All of a sudden they're tearing ass throughout the star cluster, without so much of a care in the world- -what exactly is their game? You watch, loyal listeners, there is SOMETHING about to happen in regards to these fat-cats. They keep encroaching on- -and here it comes again- -Tatooine, though they must not be too tough if they're being beaten back by Kukai's giant-robots.
Alright! Now it's time to take your calls! Anyone and everyone can call in- -but a reminder, please, don't just say things like "I know what the great secret is!" I'm not going to go traisping around the Galaxy and give you my credit card number because you called into my show. Lets keep the discussion here as civil as possible- -actually, you know what? Hell with that, lets see some firework!
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